I love my mother

I used to say i hate my mother, today i wake up and love her, i love her more than i ever imagined, it is with gratitude and respect that i am here, that i live, that i breathe, that i share, that i aspire, that i heal, that i empower, that i learn how to love her...

she was 16 when she birthed me, my child hood was not easy, i am still a child in many ways, rebirthing again this year as i dissolved a lot of old patterns and ran away from paradigms that were not serving my call to love deeper. Nothing could make me more happy than to know today while i feel so much sepperation from my mother and my children as the holidays are encroaching she is with my darling daughters loving them up and nourishing their souls with motherly love in the ways she knows how.

I share so much often forgetting how to recieve, or value my time. Today i met with a woman who is going to go on a training in India with a teacher I wish i was going to train with, and it is my gift to know that my sisters are nourishing eachother and supporting one another on their journey, I made comitments and promisses to support projects i'm a part of now in Bali, and until I finish these i cannot go anywhere.

I hear the sound of drums on my computer to Devi Ma, Durga Ma, Kali Ma Laksmi Ma, and remember all the years in Hare Krsna ashram life the gurus told me to not worship the demi gods, but now nothing seems more right thatn to honor the divine feminine in all the ways possible, giving to women through yoga, through love devotion, freeing all these gifts inside i have and serving, and my heart is pounding inside i want to go to india and study Vidya Tantra, sing, serve and study more yoga, but i know i have things i must finish and focus on before i am able to journey there, I want to bring my daughters with me too.. so i will work hard here on tasks at hand and then go home to canada, heal my heart, dissolve and release unrealistic expectations, and respect this land and the people of Bali, for they have much to teach me.

I see the repression so rampant in society, and also the divine honor.. it is a paradox...

i'm learning to be in the now. learning how to flow with what is, and learning how to value my time, cleanse, detox, release fear, and embrace what is, love it fully, looking back i see so many self imposed regimes i've adopted and not been able to comit to, and now i comit to loving myself and serving my sisters...

so deeply inspired to commune and gather in sacred sisterhood and dissolve the falsity of my ego and rise up above the ashes above the control men have had over me and love more fully...

Bali

Wow, so its been a while since I wrote, noticing how much i write to friends every day i realized i was ready to dive in again..

Funny my blog is called yogini mamma.. i don't feel much like a mamma right now as my kids are half way across the world spending time with their Dad in their community in the back woods of canada.. and i'm in Indonesia for the third time in three years fullfilling some commitments i made working on some amazing projects as a volunteer for the most part. I'm about to start volunteering with some rad organizations again, such as Bhumi Sehat midwifery foundation teaching some prenatal yoga, volunteering at Clear Cafe teaching yoga to the staff, volunteering with some sweet little preschoolers at the Yayasan Spring School making some yummy foods, and i hope to volunteer again with an orphanage for that has been such a blessing of an opportunity to give love to children especially when mine are so far away and i feel the call of our mother earth asking us to serve deeper than ever thought possible..

I wake up some days and wonder why i'm here, why did i choose bali.. the first time i was drawn here for love and a passion for living foods and training with my dear friend Madhava Ananada at Villa Gaia retreat center, which was wonderful, uplifting, entertaining and rather eye opening in a lot of respects at the contrast of wealth and poverty in this country and island of tourists and tribal village people. The second time I came for healing with my daughter Laksmi, my heart was broken and i was inspired to bring her here to go to a fabulous school out in nature and spend some much needed one on one time with her, we stayed 6 months and that was really hard to be away from my younger daughter, i had some inner work to do, work i'm still doing... work on loving myself and accepting myself, diving deep into my practices and creativity, getting overwhelmed at times in the insanity of it all and finding balance within the demands i put on myself and my family's needs..

Now this third time i come alone, i thought it was to manifest abundance, but i realized when i got here the abundance was allready flowing within, i didn't need to 'seek' it outside myself, I'm blessed with this next two months to dive deep into being alone, being of service to community, absorbing in self study, practice, mastery, and surrender fully into this time, to this land, the people, the smells, the air (which is sometimes nauseating to me) the ceremonies, the rituals, the traffic, the stark contrasts, the art, the culture the music- it all has much to teach me- and much i can share with my beloveds when i return.. I hope to bring home with a deeper sense of presence, gratitude and respect for the land and people i share this life with, for i am already only here a month and rather home sick... seeing all the moms babies husbads, weddings, and joyous holidayers, while i dive deep into this awakening to my lifes deepest purpose beyond making gourmet raw food and teaching yoga, it is coming into mastery of motherhood.. into divine femininity... this time is already reminding me that everything in life is temporary, we come here alone and leave alone.. and what a great gift it is. I've been called to be a mother, and my responsability to my family is shifting in another direction now, less from providing a home and shelter and food on the table, as thier loving father has taken the reigns on that for the present moment, but how important it is to love oneself, to cultivate love for ourselves is not egoic, but an opportunity to worship the divine, something i missed understanding many years growing through the Bhakti Yoga movement, now i'm taking my practices a step further, in the study of Tantra, and its exploration of what that sacred connection to source and to ones own spirit truely is, I am greatful for this time, greatful for the opportunity to dive deep in the healing of a heart that ached to be loved, and to soak up this time for self love.. Bali is full of all the amazing light and darkness that life unfolds, there is a dance of balance here..My mission is to cultivate the abundance of inner strength.. and share it through my teachings and what my teachers have bestowed up on me through the simple practices that helped inspire me to live more fully.. so ya that's where i'm at today.. i hope to keep writing every day, i like it, the words just pour out ... and after the stillness and the quiet silence falls into being